NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.

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“Tremble before the awesome might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives,” said Ban, boldly holding a stack of diplomatic resolutions in his hand. “At last, when the United Nations calls for the development of more sustainable agricultural practices, the world at large will listen.”

Added Ban, “We will no longer be ignored.”

Photo: The Onion